Thanksgiving For Morons: Or, My Screwed Up Family

Well, got to Gram's in one piece, the kids and i, after listening to "He poked me!" and "I am gonna puke." the whole way. Once through the door the first thing that strikes you are the ammonia fumes from the mass amounts of cat pee. Add to that the scents of stinky bathroom and apple pie, and it's like nothing you've smelt in your life. Our eyes teared up. Next year i shall remember the gas masks. Funny how your nose gets used to the smell, so that when you leave the air smells cleaner than anything on earth. Thank god for small miracles. I found three pies cooled in the fridge. That was it. The Turkey was still wrapped, the green beans were heaped in a bowl unheated and the potatoes were languishing in their sack on the floor. I saw right away everyone had been awaiting my arrival to peel potatoes. I should have joined the friggin Army. I got the stupid bird in the oven, after he enjoyed a  butter massage and sprinkling of herbs...i swear i heard him moaning in delight. The kids were busily whooping and running around underfoot, determined to cause a trip to the E.R. on Thanksgiving. And this was all the day before! I was wilting within a half hour. UGH. Mom kept yelling at the kids to shut-up or Santa was going on strike, then started in with a list of the childrens faults and flaws..gods save me from those perfect beings such as her that apparently have no flaws. I yawned and turned away, which sent her screaming some more, but it's like a fan..after awhile you can tune it right out. I got the kitchen squared, then thought i could sit for a minute and have a coffee, but what the hell was i thinking?! Of course, there was garbage to be taken out, none of which could be done by the troll that lives in the back bedroom (My older brother) he came out to rile the kids up and fart in Tyler's face, only to disappear back to the bat cave posthaste. I knew this year was going to be massive amounts of FUN, FUN, FUN!




                                                      Sleeping Arrangements

Well, four kids and two adults in one living room/bedroom. Hmmm...Tyler and Nicky ended up on the sofa, one head on each end. This did not work, as crotch kicking commenced almost instantly. *SIGH* Maddie and Mike were made a pallet on the floor, where they couldn't share a blanket to save their lives. I ended up on the easy chair. Yeah..anyone who has ever had the misfortune to wake in the night with their butt cheeks wedged between the foot rest and the end of the seat cushion knows it is anything BUT easy. Mom had her bed, which is conveniently located just off the living area, and wall-less. So the kids and i were treated to a symphony of gastric proportions all night. Mike became frightened of the noises emanating from that portion of the house. *pats his back* The following night, Nick decided to brave sleeping with Gram's instead of having his nuts squished. All was well until her tom cat, put out over the human interloper, decided to pee all over Nick's blanket, and also Nick himself. Howls of outrage ensued, and it wasn't the cat. Then Tyler and i traded spots..the couch seemed huge after the easy chair, but Tyler stayed up all night complaining of bumps and lumps and strange springs poking him in delicate places. The two on the floor were stepped on a million times in the dark and had a hairball hacked up on them by the girl cat, who also spews snot balls the size of a small planet. So much for a good nights sleep.


                                                             Friday

So, the day after T-day we decided to take the kids to Manitou Springs, the next town over..which is full of devil worshippers and shops that sell Dulcimer's. Yeah, those medieval instruments that no one knows how to play. But they do have a penny arcade full of games from the turn of the century. The "love meter" proclaimed me "Hotstuff" while Mom got "Harmless." heehee...I ended up spending close to 50 bucks on the various games and rides so the kids could gain tickets, which they used to purchase the junk behind the counter. A rubber eyeball, a plastic dart board that broke the first time Mike tried to use it, Candy that looked like it had been there since 1897...you know the way of it. The sign said no adults on the rides, but do i EVER listen? The mini-carousel was rather fun until i slid off the lion i was perched on and hit my leg on the change recepticle. I guess they have those signs for a reason. The owner then came out and latched onto Mom so he could give her the entire history of the place. He was expecting a phone number, which she gladly gave..except it was my brother's cell number. I'm sure he'll be beyond thrilled when "Al" calls looking for a date. Then we went to a toy store down the street. The place was the size of a thimble, but the kids still spent about a million years looking at everything and trying to make up their minds. Just PICK A FREAKING TOY!!!! Thirty five bucks for crap in there...what a fuckin rip-off. Then on to Sonic for burnt hamburgers and soda with all the ice of the Polar Ice Cap in it. Ketchup was duly smeared on the backseat and Mike puked up everything on the way back to the house, it smelled great and drove everyone to gagging. Finally back to the house, where all the kids decided they had gotten the subpar toys they didn't really want and were we going back? Hell to the NO. Just because you chose a piece of crap that requires batteries we don't have or that looked cool but does nothing is no reason to drag Mommy back to that little slice of Hell. Thank god i'm home is all i have to say. I know it all sounds rather awful (and it was) but it's family and tradition and all that crap that is REALLY important right? Next year i'm bringing an A-bomb.  Ugh and ugh.