Yule Christmas, whatever. It still sneaks up and bites your ass

Wow its been awhile! Hey, single mom of four. That i write at all can be considered some kind of miracle. So, it's that time of year again folks! Meaning the time of year we try diligently to instill in our youth the true meaning of the holiday, sharing caring and...Oh, let's just cut the crap! What we're really trying to do is save ourselves a few bucks by brainwashing our kids into thinking it's all about 'giving.' *Insert derisive snort here* They bombard us with toy commercials every three seconds and of course the kids want every toy they see. There go the days when children asked for a doll, or a firetruck, or a Red Ranger BB gun. Nope. They want it all. With no thought to your quickly depleting bank account, or the fact that January is going to be Ramen every night for dinner month. I agree that it is a magical time of year...if you're four years old. Anyone over the age of 25 knows nothing of magic. We do know harassed shoppers killing our rear ends with carts, snarky cashiers that blow bubble gum bubbles in your face and roll their eyes if you ask if something could possibly, maybe be gift wrapped. We know staying up all night to wrap said gifts to pristine perfection, only to have them torn apart like a lamb by a wolf. Then there's the unending joy of struggling to assemble the myriad tiny parts and pieces of the stupid things, which always seem to come with instructions printed in Outer Mongolia. We know the Atom bomb type explosion of empty boxes, bows and wrapping that we have to heave to the trashcan in two feet of snow, and the immediate whining that something broke, or isn't the right color, or that they are bored,bored, bored!!! Merry fucking Christmas!

Morning. Please Shoot Me

So...woke up at six this morning sore and with a headache. I dared to hope the minions would get up for school on their own and give me no problems. I really hate hope sometimes, it's a useless emotion and usually means you will be crapped on that day. Minion number 2 and number 3 got up with no screaming and whining. My heart began to race. This was going to be the day! (hope again. Ugh.) Minion number 1 on the other hand...refused to get up in that petulant way that 12 year olds do. "Ugh. Mom, i'll get up in a second. Gimme FIVE minutes!" Okay, i went off to attend to the lost shoe number 3 was by that time having a melt down about. FIVE MINUTES LATER.....Nope, he was still flaked out and snoring this time. *Shook his shoulder* Nothing. If he wasn't sawing logs so loudly i would have assumed he had died in his sleep. Finally he got up and stumbled/lurched to the bathroom, only to come out in a ripped t-shirt. Do i spend hard earned money on clothing for a reason? Apparently not, as he chooses to dress like a bum. Spun him around and he went off in the general direction of his room in a daze to change. Time was clicking by on the clock...where was he?! My investigation turned up a pair of skinny pre-teen legs sticking out from under his bed. He was under there, in the land of stinky shoes and lost pop tarts ASLEEP! ARGH!!! The bus was trundling up the street (the driver is half blind so we can hear him plowing into things alongside the road almost every day) Shook him again and he came into the living room, where he spied a case for one of his DS games. When he found it empty all hell broke loose. Where was it? Who had dared to touch HIS game?! First he blamed the little one, then in a fit of complete irrationality he decided the dog must have made off with it. After the threat of grounding and a million promises to find his game while he's at school (can't wait!) he got on the bus. I have never breathed a bigger sigh of relief in my life. *SIGH*

Shmoopy??

 I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, and a feeling of..joy. Not for any reason i could put my finger on, other than the fact that i appreciate my life more today, and hopefully everyday from now on. I looked at my kids and got that goofy, sappy look that makes them cringe and try to squirm out of my arms like eels..I couldn't help it. Screw thanksgiving being that one day that you thank the gods, the aliens, that pack of trident gum, or whatever it is you believe in that you're here, you're alive, and you're a member of this fantastic, screwed up, mentally warped thing we call the human race. Yes, bad things happen, tragic things that hold no reason and make you question everything..but so do the good things. The wonder at a baby's smile, or just doing something lovely for another, with no motives other than the tranfer of joy from them to you. Damn, i AM sappy today! Bear with me, folks..tomorrow i'll be back to snarking about the fact that i stepped in puppy shit twice this morning and Nicky woke up in a sea of vomit the color of every skittle blended together..Just give me this day..to ponder the things i'm lucky enough to have, wish for the things i don't, and the sarcasm to see me through whatever crap happens to hit my fan.

No Rest For The Wicked

Well, just when you think it's a teacher in-service day, and you might actually be able to sleep in..they strike. I'm talking about the minions, of course. Apparently, it's fun to take a giant stuffed rottweiler and chase the puppy with it, turning him into a whirling dervish of sharp needle teeth and savage claws. Not to mention Madison's talking in her sleep, which mutated into an unearthly wail as she was in the throes of some wacked out nightmare. Ugh. Then the demands for cereal start pouring in..i want chocolate, i want fruitloops, we don't have fruitloops..the world shall now come crashing down around our ears! All i want is to sip my coffee on a terrace, with a butler standing by..is that too much to ask?! Yeah, i read WAY too many historical romance novels! On to the fighting over what cartoons to watch, even though there are THREE friggin t.v.'s in the house! You would think three boys and one girl could agree on something..anything..but noooooooooooooo. Oh well..today i shall be surrounded by many screaming minions, so i'll tune them out, like i do their demands for food, homework help, and basic care. haha!!!

School Daze

So, this morning started out okay...I was up sitting in the dark on the couch, after having brewed a lovely pot of hot water and stubbing my toe on the table leg. I know that table sticks it out on purpose and then snickers after i turn my big toe into a bloody stump. Anyway, i had fifteen whole minutes of quasi-peace before i had to wake the minions..*GROAN*  Then i figured i'd get the two oldest up first..easy for once! I dared to think it would be a cinch getting them on the bus on time. HAHA! The gods of miniondom had other plans. Mikey decided he was wearing shorts, even though there is frost on the ground and we can all see our breath even with the heat cranked (hello huge bill, let me not pay you!) I said no, at which point he did that weird thing kids do..locking his knees together and pulling his legs to his chest. It would have been easier to try to dress a mummy curled in the fetal position. The threat of no video games didn't faze him one bit..neither did taking away his cookie eating privileges..by the smug look on his face i'm convinced there is a smooshed bag of chips a'hoy secreted somewhere in the house. I finally did my Mommy death screech, which compelled him to stick his legs straight like some kind of Barbie doll with joint stiffness. We wrestled the pants in place, only to realize his shoes were nowhere in sight. How is it he can take them off in his room at night, and in the morning they are in the kitchen?? Those nightly shoe raves must be something. Finally he was ready, with his hoodie askew and his hair sticking up in clumps because the hairbrush seems to have gone off for a tropical vacation without telling anyone. There they are, standing at the bus stop, conveniently located 30 feet from the yard, when Mikey comes running back! If he would've asked for shorts i would have had to call the school and tell them he couldn't make it on account of a severely blistered ass. "I gotta PEE!" he says, in some kind of self-important tone meant to convey the urgency of peeing..like i myself never do it. "Go behind that bush then, you have no time to go inside." (if he would've had to poop, i woulda had a full moon show in the a.m.) He gave me a horrified look  and said "But MOMMY..It's so COLD!!!!" Okay, i totally smirked in complete Mommy superiority when i told him "Aren't you glad you didn't wear shorts?"

Thanksgiving For Morons: Or, My Screwed Up Family

Well, got to Gram's in one piece, the kids and i, after listening to "He poked me!" and "I am gonna puke." the whole way. Once through the door the first thing that strikes you are the ammonia fumes from the mass amounts of cat pee. Add to that the scents of stinky bathroom and apple pie, and it's like nothing you've smelt in your life. Our eyes teared up. Next year i shall remember the gas masks. Funny how your nose gets used to the smell, so that when you leave the air smells cleaner than anything on earth. Thank god for small miracles. I found three pies cooled in the fridge. That was it. The Turkey was still wrapped, the green beans were heaped in a bowl unheated and the potatoes were languishing in their sack on the floor. I saw right away everyone had been awaiting my arrival to peel potatoes. I should have joined the friggin Army. I got the stupid bird in the oven, after he enjoyed a  butter massage and sprinkling of herbs...i swear i heard him moaning in delight. The kids were busily whooping and running around underfoot, determined to cause a trip to the E.R. on Thanksgiving. And this was all the day before! I was wilting within a half hour. UGH. Mom kept yelling at the kids to shut-up or Santa was going on strike, then started in with a list of the childrens faults and flaws..gods save me from those perfect beings such as her that apparently have no flaws. I yawned and turned away, which sent her screaming some more, but it's like a fan..after awhile you can tune it right out. I got the kitchen squared, then thought i could sit for a minute and have a coffee, but what the hell was i thinking?! Of course, there was garbage to be taken out, none of which could be done by the troll that lives in the back bedroom (My older brother) he came out to rile the kids up and fart in Tyler's face, only to disappear back to the bat cave posthaste. I knew this year was going to be massive amounts of FUN, FUN, FUN!




                                                      Sleeping Arrangements

Well, four kids and two adults in one living room/bedroom. Hmmm...Tyler and Nicky ended up on the sofa, one head on each end. This did not work, as crotch kicking commenced almost instantly. *SIGH* Maddie and Mike were made a pallet on the floor, where they couldn't share a blanket to save their lives. I ended up on the easy chair. Yeah..anyone who has ever had the misfortune to wake in the night with their butt cheeks wedged between the foot rest and the end of the seat cushion knows it is anything BUT easy. Mom had her bed, which is conveniently located just off the living area, and wall-less. So the kids and i were treated to a symphony of gastric proportions all night. Mike became frightened of the noises emanating from that portion of the house. *pats his back* The following night, Nick decided to brave sleeping with Gram's instead of having his nuts squished. All was well until her tom cat, put out over the human interloper, decided to pee all over Nick's blanket, and also Nick himself. Howls of outrage ensued, and it wasn't the cat. Then Tyler and i traded spots..the couch seemed huge after the easy chair, but Tyler stayed up all night complaining of bumps and lumps and strange springs poking him in delicate places. The two on the floor were stepped on a million times in the dark and had a hairball hacked up on them by the girl cat, who also spews snot balls the size of a small planet. So much for a good nights sleep.


                                                             Friday

So, the day after T-day we decided to take the kids to Manitou Springs, the next town over..which is full of devil worshippers and shops that sell Dulcimer's. Yeah, those medieval instruments that no one knows how to play. But they do have a penny arcade full of games from the turn of the century. The "love meter" proclaimed me "Hotstuff" while Mom got "Harmless." heehee...I ended up spending close to 50 bucks on the various games and rides so the kids could gain tickets, which they used to purchase the junk behind the counter. A rubber eyeball, a plastic dart board that broke the first time Mike tried to use it, Candy that looked like it had been there since 1897...you know the way of it. The sign said no adults on the rides, but do i EVER listen? The mini-carousel was rather fun until i slid off the lion i was perched on and hit my leg on the change recepticle. I guess they have those signs for a reason. The owner then came out and latched onto Mom so he could give her the entire history of the place. He was expecting a phone number, which she gladly gave..except it was my brother's cell number. I'm sure he'll be beyond thrilled when "Al" calls looking for a date. Then we went to a toy store down the street. The place was the size of a thimble, but the kids still spent about a million years looking at everything and trying to make up their minds. Just PICK A FREAKING TOY!!!! Thirty five bucks for crap in there...what a fuckin rip-off. Then on to Sonic for burnt hamburgers and soda with all the ice of the Polar Ice Cap in it. Ketchup was duly smeared on the backseat and Mike puked up everything on the way back to the house, it smelled great and drove everyone to gagging. Finally back to the house, where all the kids decided they had gotten the subpar toys they didn't really want and were we going back? Hell to the NO. Just because you chose a piece of crap that requires batteries we don't have or that looked cool but does nothing is no reason to drag Mommy back to that little slice of Hell. Thank god i'm home is all i have to say. I know it all sounds rather awful (and it was) but it's family and tradition and all that crap that is REALLY important right? Next year i'm bringing an A-bomb.  Ugh and ugh.